In case of emergency, find the nearest drive-thru

Today’s blog is for all the men out there who have a special lady in their lives.  I am posting this in the hopes to help some of my fellow sons of Adam in their never-ending quest to understand the daughters of Eve.

For thousands of years, men have been trying to understand women, for men are relatively simple creatures, while women are sometimes perplexing.  “Oh, to have a manual we could read”, men have lamented.  “We can program a VCR or rebuild an engine, so with the proper manual, we might actually be able to figure out what she wants us to do.”  Women don’t need a manual for us, but if they did, they could simply pick up a good book on training a dog, as Sandra Dee’s mother did in the 1962 film, If a Man Answers.

In any case, I do not portend to be an expert on relationships, nor do I claim to understand my own wife half the time, much less do I claim to understand women in general.  I do, however, have one bit of information that can come in handy: Sometimes you have to make sure they eat.

I grew up with three sisters, have been married for almost 11 years, and now have a daughter of my own.  I have noticed with each one of the women in my life that sometimes they forget to eat, and the consequences can be devastating unless you see the signs early, and take appropriate action.  My beautiful, articulate, intelligent, and elegant wife can be transformed in the blink of an eye into a force to be reckoned with. 

For some reason, if she goes a bit too long between meals this happens.  Remember Gremlins (the movie, not the automobile) and how if you fed them after midnight they turned evil?  Similar concept, but it is the lack of eating that does it.  I have seen my lovely sisters do the same thing.  Imagine if Nancy Pelosi somehow took a wrong turn and ended up on O’Reilly’s show instead of CNBC.  You get the picture.

When this happens, you have to give them food, and fast.  Often this happens in the car, and so my recommendation is that you find a drive thru as quickly as possible.  Fortunately, my GPS can find the all the nearby fast-food options in under 20 seconds.  Remember: Every second counts.  The longer you wait, the worse it will get.  Here are some tips on handling this situation:

1. Make sure you select a fast-food restaurant that she likes.  You should know which ones are acceptable by now, even if you have only been dating for two weeks.  Don’t make the mistake of going to the one you like best, even if it is the most convenient and she “kind of likes it, too.”

2. Don’t expect a rational answer when you ask her which restaurant she would like you to take her to.  If she is unclear, see guideline #1.

3. No matter what, do not attempt humor when you are at the speaker or at the window.  Now is not the time to make puns, use an alternative accent, or otherwise mess with the person taking your order.  Do not pronounce “Fajitas” as “Fa Gi Tas”

4. Do not be surprised when she takes a long time to pick out what she wants.  Even though you know that she has been to her fast-food joint of choice at least a thousand times before, she will likely take a long time looking at the menu.  This is tough, because, as I mentioned before, time is of the essence.

5. Do not, under any circumstances make a smart-aleck comment when, after staring at the menu board for what seems like an eternity, she ends up ordering what she always orders.  Keep the sarcasm to yourself.

6. Once she orders, it is ok for you to order.  Once they hand you the bag of food, and you hand it to her, make sure that she eats hers first, even if you are driving.  Don’t ask her to help you get yours out and unwrapped until she has eaten.  This is like the warning that they give you on an airplane about the oxygen masks: “If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance with their mask, put your mask on first, and then help your companion.”  She needs the food before you do.

7. Check your order before you leave the window.  If they have messed up her chicken sandwich, it’s game-over for you.

Hopefully if you follow these simple instructions, disaster can be avoided.  Now if only someone could explain what I am supposed to do when she seems mad, I ask her what is wrong and she says sternly, “Nothing.”