V is for Vasectomy

If you are under the age of 18 or if you are easily offended, read no more.  You have been warned!

This week my wife and I went to an appointment with a Urologist.  I am strongly considering getting a vasectomy.  No, that is not a surgery to remove a vase that you accidentally ate, but is a “long term form of birth control.”  Why did Rebecca go with me?  Did I need the emotional support?  No.  It is require by law in Mississippi that a man’s spouse, if he is married, accompany him to watch a video and to give her consent prior to undergoing the procedure.  More on the video later.

First, if you ever have to go to the urologist for any reason, don’t pee before you get there.  No matter why you are there, they will make you give a urine sample.  One guy came out of the bathroom with his little cup full and told the nurse, “Hey, I am only here to pay my bill.”

The urologist came in looking just like Michael Gross, the TV dad from Family Ties.  He was a little socially awkward, which isn’t terribly surprising considering the man dedicated his entire professional life to the study of urine, and urinary tracts.

The video was awesome.  It was made in the 1970’s and featured Dr. Mohammed Bulbul.  Below is a similar video so you get the idea.

Some of my favorite quotes from the video:

“After the procedure, you are going to need to avoid vigorous activities such as horseback riding, mechanical bulls, mountain biking, kickboxing, etcetera.” – Dr. Bulbul.

“After the procedure, I had some discomfort, not unlike if someone were pinching one of your testicles.” –the patient

“Tell me when I can open my eyes again” – Rebecca, while shielding her face from the segment where they show the doctor cutting the vas deferens, the small tube that connects the testicle to the seminal vesicle.

After the video and talking with the good doctor, I started to feel a little self-conscious, maybe a bit different, a bit eccentric.  I have four kids already.  The patient in the video said, “well, we had two kids already and that’s all we wanted, so the time was right to get sterilized.”  The Doctor told us that just about everyone who comes in has two kids.  According to him, once a couple has a boy and a girl, its a done deal.  Wow.

I am not sure I am comfortable with the word “sterile,” either.  It sounds harsh.  Final.

I asked my boss if it would be ok if I took four days of for “an elective out-patient surgery.”  He probably thinks I am going to get breast augmentation or something.

I have a tentative date set for the procedure.  Time to buy some ice packs and rent some movies.  I hear that it is popular for guys to get the procedure done around March Madness, so they can sit at home and watch the college basketball playoffs with an ice pack under their scrotum.  Good times.

Technorati Tags: Scrotum,Vasectomy,Urology,Urologist,Dr. Bulbul,Testicle,Sterile,Birth Control

Proud to be an American

About 15 years ago, a good friend of mine, Leonardo Tanda, came to visit me from Milan, Italy.  He wanted to go to New York, so I met him there at JFK airport.  One of the first things he said to me was, “Why are there so many American flags here in America?”  I responded in my characteristic sarcastic way, “what did you expect, Angola flags?”  This was in the days before 9-11, and we got to visit the World Trade Center Towers, and a number of other sites.  There are even more flags in New York City today. 

After considering his question for a few days, it hit me that when I was abroad in a number of different countries living and working, I hadn’t seen very many flags.  I know that the people are quite are patriotic in Argentina (I spent 22 months there), Italy (I spent close to 20 months there), Mexico (I spent many months there, at least 6), Spain (I spent a month there) or any of the other countries I have worked in (The People’s Republic of China, Japan, The Bahamas, The Dominican Republic, Canada, France, Holland, Germany, Austria, Brazil, etc), but there are more flags in the good ole US of A that in those other countries.

Strangely enough, as I was driving back from a store about five miles away from my house, and I counted no less than 18 American flags: two at churches, one at a school and the rest in neighbors’ yards, either on flagpoles like the one in the photo, or on flag holders on the houses themselves.  I don’t think I have ever seen someone’s yard with a flagpole flying their country’s flag in another country.

Why so many flags?  Well, Patriotism is a key part of our culture.  Being patriotic is cool.  Being unpatriotic is, well, uncool.  There are few things worse than being labeled as unpatriotic.  Being homophobic or even anti-gay is one of those things that is worse than being called unpatriotic.  One of the few things worse than being labeled as a homophobe is being labeled as a Racist, and the only thing worse than being labeled a Racist is being labeled a pedophile.  Homophobic racist pedophiles who are unpatriotic have it bad.  But I digress.

 

Why are millions of Americans so patriotically convinced that the USA is the greatest country on earth?  It is puzzling considering only 1 in 5 Americans owns a passport (and even fewer have actually traveled outside the USA.)  Interestingly enough, far fewer have ever lived outside the USA.  In fact, 40% of Americans have never lived outside the town where they were born!  Don’t get me wrong: America is a very great place to live, and of all the places I have visited, I like the USA the best.  It is just strange to me how convinced people are without even visiting anywhere else.

Patriotism can inspire some strong emotions.  I will tell you that every time I hear Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA, I get teary eyed.  Especially at the Lasershow at Stone Mountain Park.

It should come as no surprise that patriotism (Like Jesus) is used  (quite effectively I might add) to sell products.  Buy American, the saying goes.

Patriotism is used to sell all kinds of products, from Automobiles to beer to Gasoline to designer clothing.

The funny thing about this photo is that Marathon Oil Company is a global operation, and it imports over 64 million barrels of oil from the Middle East each year.

With globalization running rampant, the world has become a confusing place for patriots.  I mean, should we be concerned about American Flags being made in China?

I learned patriotism from my father.  He served during the Viet Nam war (which, surprisingly enough, is known as “the American War” if you are Vietnamese.)  His father, Smitty, was career military. 

At times I my patriotism has caused me to stand out from the crowd.  Once, for example, I was the only one standing at a graduation ceremony because the program said to remain standing after the National Anthem.  2,000 other folks sat, and I alone stood, and when a person behind me said “why don’t you sit down like the rest of us,” I replied with the only sensible thing that would come to my mind: “why don’t you read the program, you ignorant red neck.”  I guess maybe I was a bit over the top. Another time, at a football game, My boys and I were the only ones to stand and remove our hats as the Colors were presented. 

But in spite of my feelings, I can’t say that I am at all as patriotic as those who serve our Country in the US military.  Personal sacrifice for our country is the truest sign of patriotism.

Technorati Tags: Americana,Patriotism,America,Culture,Get a Tank of Freedom,Globalization,Marketing,Buy American

Well, this IS my first rodeo.

 

Tonight we took the kids to the Purvis High School rodeo.  Yes, rodeo is a real high school sport.  If you don’t believe me, then go to the Mississippi High School Rodeo Association website.  There is even a National organization, too.

I don’t think I have ever seen more denim-per-capita anywhere else in the world!  The average belt buckle size was at least 8” in diameter, too.

For those of my readers who are tuning in from outside the US, High School is the American term for secondary school.

It will probably come as a shock to you, but they even allow home-schooled kids to compete!  They even will announce the name of the your home school if you give them one so your kids feel more like they go to a real school like everyone else.

Since I often use the phrase, “Well, this ain’t my first rodeo” to convey the point that I have experience in a particular thing, I guess it is good that I have finally gone to a real rodeo, so I can be truthful when  I use the phrase in the future.

I will say this: The rodeo was very cool.  The skill required to ride a horse at full speed, lasso a calf, jump off your horse, flip the calf upside-down, whip out a rope and tie the calf’s legs together in under 10 seconds is incredible.

Another amazing event is called Steer Wrestling.  I almost had my kids convinced that two steers were going to come out and wrestle each other.  What actually happened was even more incredible.  Young high school Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors compete in this event in which a cowboy rides out chasing a steer.  When he gets close enough, he jumps off of his horse tackling the steer by the horns, and then flipping the steer over on its side.  Very cool.  I don’t have a video from the Purvis High School Rodeo, but this one is pretty cool, too.

The Poles event is very cool, too.

Is OCD hereditary?

 

I come in this evening to find my three year old son, Max with my wife’s cotton makeup removal pads (he calls them Fuzzies):

Nigel has many a time organized shoes, pencils, pens, etc.

While it is true that I am very particular about a lot of things, I don’t technically have OCD.  OCPD, maybe.

Maybe that is why I collect things like coins, pens, knives, watches, guns, rocks, bayonets, tools, etc.

Bizarre Accidents will happen

 

On the way home from church today in Laurel, my son Nigel and I were on I-59 heading south when I noticed a car coming very fast towards me from behind. I swerved onto the shoulder, almost into the median.  The car went between me and the car next to me, and continued at a very fast pace.  I was going almost 80 mph, so the car, a silver Honda, must have been going at least 100 mph.  Soon after that, maybe 10 or 20 seconds later, I saw a cloud of dust, smoke, brake lights and debris flying towards me.  I immediately pulled onto the shoulder and came to a stop.

I told Nigel to stay in the car, and I ran towards the smoke.  When I got to the Honda, it was already on fire.  The driver was out, screaming and crying.  Although it looked like a man, it turned out to be a heavyset black woman in baggy clothes.  She was yelling and fighting with a couple other people who had also stopped to help.  Within a few moments, a couple of the passersby had her pinned to another car with her arms behind her in a double hammer lock.  She was yelling and screaming, “why didn’t I die?!?”

I walked over to the burning Honda, and started looking through the windows to see if there was anyone else in the vehicle.  The other passersby started yelling, “get back, it could explode,” but I continued to look to make certain no one was still in the car.

The Honda had hit a small Mazda, and the two cars had spun out of control onto the grassy shoulder and they rested some 20 to 50 feet off the roadway.  The Honda was engulfed in flames.  I called 911, and as I was talking to the operator, I asked other motorists for a fire extinguisher.  By the time someone found a fire extinguisher, the Honda was completely engulfed.

Inside the Mazda, a 40-something white woman was laying in the driver’s side seat with the airbag deployed.  She was in pain, but was talking to the other people who had stopped.

Within minutes the police arrived, followed by three fire trucks.  In the end, the driver of the Honda had hit three or four cars, and the police handcuffed her and put her in the back of the police car.  She was hysterical.

To make matters more confusing, about half of the witnesses still thought that the woman was a man, which totally confused the police.  They took my driver’s license information and my phone number.  To Nigel’s credit, he stayed put in the car.  He even made a friend by talking to a boy in another car.

 

Technorati Tags: I-59,Laurel,Mississippi,Traffic,Police,Accident,Crazy Lady,Car Fire,Fire Department,Fire Trucks,Firemen,Near Death Experience,Nigel,Cars,Car Accident,Fire,Injury,Honda,Mazda

A tribute to a living legend

 

While driving from Orange Beach, Alabama to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, my wife and I were able to see a number of monuments to those that have gone before us.  There were several civil war memorials, and a beautiful tribute to 9-11 in a small town along the way.  Those are fine, and important, but what I want to recognize in my blog today is an unsung hero, a veritable living legend, a man who is dedicated to preserving a key and important part of our culture.  Yes, that is right, this blog is dedicated to Gene Morris, the greatest living spear hunter in the world.

Colonel Gene Morris, Ret. is a man dedicated to preserving spear hunting, a lost art that once was so crucial to the survival of mankind.  To preserve this art, Col. Morris has built an amazing spear hunting museum in Summerdale, Alabama.

Not only does this museum have an LED sign, it also has some of the trophies that the self-named spear chunker (he calls himself this in spite of the fact that it is actually a racial slur) has claimed using nothing but a spear. 

 

In case you don’t get a chance to go there in person, I have attached a few photos.  The museum has two artist-quality murals of the man himself.

In this mural, you can see the ferocity and the dedication of the greatest living spear hunter in the world.  If I were one of his prey, I would be stunned into submission by his leering gaze alone.

If you are lucky, you might get the spear-hunting icon to give you a demonstration from his custom-built spear hunting platform which is out back behind the museum.

For the amazingly inexpensive price of $3.00 US, you can get a self-guided tour of the museum.  For a paltry five dollars more, you can get a guided tour.  Children under 5 years of age are free, which is due to the fact that they don’t have the intellectual capacity to understand the greatness of the living legend’s abilities with a spear, nor are they capable of retaining any of the pearls of wisdom that an older person would gain from touring the museum.

Also, it is an added plus that the famed spear-hunter looks a lot like Gene Hackman.

  

    Gene Morris is happy.                     Gene Hackman is not.

Technorati Tags: Gene Morris,Spear Hunter,Greatest Living Spear Hunter in the World,Summerville,Alabama,Americana,Gulf Coast

Rediscovering my loves

 

This weekend I took off of work on Friday, and my beautiful wife, Rebecca, and I drove to the Gulf coast for a weekend without the kids.  It was like being newlyweds again!  What I realized, in very short order, was that while I have been working like a demon for the last several years I have forgotten some key things that I love.  In some cases, I forgot them entirely; in others, I have forgotten how much I love them.  Here are some of them:

1.  I love Rebecca.  Wildly, madly, deeply and thoroughly.  She is the coolest person on the planet, and I love spending time alone with her.  I love it when she smiles at me, when she laughs at my dumb jokes, when she has a cool new insightful thought, when she teases me, and when I catch her watching me when I am intent on something else.  Time away alone without the kids is an amazing aphrodisiac, and it is true what Rebecca says: “Physical intimacy is the reward for being an adult.”  I feel incredibly rewarded this weekend.

 

2.  I love to read.  Novels, mostly, but I love to read all kinds of books.  I think it is very cool that books over 100 years old are now free on the Kindle.  This weekend, I read an interesting Sci-Fi book, I am number four.

3. I love the ocean, especially my favorite ocean in the whole world, the Gulf of Mexico.  I love swimming in the ocean, seeing the fish, the gulls overhead, the waves, the sand on the beach, the shells, the blue-green water touching the blue sky, the lovely breeze and everything that comes with the Gulf of Mexico.

4. I love my Omega Seamaster Chronograph.

5. I love exploring new places.  I have been very fortunate in my life to have visited Argentina, Mexico, Brazil, Uruguay, Paraguay, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Canada, Italy, Spain, France, Switzerland, Germany, Austria, Holland, Japan and China.  I have been to 39 states.  I absolutely love to travel to new places, and to see new things.

6. I love working out.  This is one I had definitely forgotten about.  I feel charged about getting back in the habit of working out!

 

 

Technorati Tags: Rebecca,Newlyweds,Vacation,Orange Beach,Alabama,Gulf of Mexico,South,Gulf Coast,Love,Friendship,Omega,Chronograph,Omega Seamaster,Seamaster,Watch,Travel,Exploring,Fun,Beach,Ocean,Americana,Amongst the Americana